How to lose friends and infuriate people

Three years ago, after careful consideration, I made the rash decision of allowing myself to be nominated for the position as chairman of SeniorNet Morrinsville, a computer group for the aged. And yes, I was successful.

Since then, I’ve learned a great deal about how to lose friends and infuriate people. For those wishing to learn how this is done, I offer a few gems that have encouraged my hair to grey and much of it to lose contact with my scalp, all within a very short space of time.

Part one
No matter how well you have worked by phone, e-mail, personal house calls etc, lurking in the back of your mind is the knowledge, that somewhere, at sometime, someone will raise a question from the floor during a meeting that you are not expecting and have not the answer for. In response, therefore, I come to a phrase made famous in New Zealand by a member of the team on the television programme: A Game of Two Halves. When faced with the fact that he didn’t know the answer, nor did his team know the answer, but knowing that the other team knew the answer… he would toss his head in annoyance and growl: ‘Aw, who the hell cares?’

If that doesn’t fit the bill because the question asked of you is extremely complex, you could try…


Part two

Now you knew the answer seconds before it was asked, only now, your memory has turned to scrambled eggs, somewhat. You murmur to yourself: Easy does it boy, and working on a kind of frantic automatic response engagement, you slip in the politicians’ pass-the-buck method by turning to one of your trusted committee members (and they love you for this), smile and suggest authoritatively, ‘Now, Rodney, let’s hear from you on this one.’

Finally
Should you happen to be a rather crafty chair-person who has already made use of the above suggestions, or something similar, resulting in your committee being reduced to non-quorum status … regularly … I offer the following, which I heard on the TV One breakfast programme a few weeks ago.

A bright young thing who knew everything there was to know about films, film stars, producers and the rest, pontificating on the kind of people who go to see films these days, made the statement which now applies to your quorum-avoiding group:

‘Oh there are lots of people who don’t go to films anymore; they just get together and knit.’

Oh, and of course - there's 'passing a motion'
This can be a strain sometimes. Get it the wrong way round and try passing the seconder instead of the mover, and it can prove to be most embarrassing and certainly not to be recommended.
Meeting finished. Thank you.

Dennis Crompton © 2005
(first published www.denniscrompton.wordpress.com 2013)