A winning creation

Recently I was very privileged to be able to attend a competition entitled: the ‘Best Hat of the Day’, held by a branch of the Country Women’s Institute in the Waikato district, on the outskirts of Hamilton, New Zealand. Their guests were the women-folk of the district’s social and welfare organisations, invited so that the Country Women’s Institute could show their appreciation for all of the voluntary work they had undertaken; a noble gesture, I’m sure you’ll agree.

In between a variety of activities, morning and afternoon teas had been organised, with a three course sit-down luncheon served in a marquee hired for the purpose. Children were catered for by well-wishers from associated branches of the Country Women's Institute; indeed, everything had been thought of to make the day memorable for all the women present. Activities varied from knitting, sewing, washing and ironing clothes, to making beds and drawing up household shopping lists from four to forty. The whole thing was a great success with lots of laughs all round, despite the activities being a vivid reminder of the work they all had to contend with at home.

Then came the main event: the Best Hat of the Day competition, modelled under lights on the hay bale runway in the centre of the marquee. The hat had to represent something of country life, from materials produced in the district and worn by someone living in the district.

Most would agree that not everything considered artistic by its creator is worthy of the name, while true art can just as easily be set aside. The artistry of some creations displayed that day ranged from the beautiful to the batty. Hats variously incorporated feathers, wool, sacking or natural products of the land, some discarded from animals alongside clever creations of man-made materials.

I was pleased I’d made the effort to be there that day though as it brought to my attention three particular folks from the Waikato district...Many thought the winning creation would be that mocked up by former odd-jobs man at the freezing works, Mr Ted Gorman. A couple of judges were heard to say he had artistic bent; ‘bent’, I’ll agree, but the ‘art’ part was sadly missing in my opinion. It quite honestly resembled a large, crumbly Pavlova gone wrong; it was off-white and lacy, like the froth and bubbles one gets when pouring milk into coffee from shoulder height or above, including the obnoxious aroma from the deadly greenie-yellow mould enjoying the week-old filling.

Add to that concoction that the model chosen by Mr Ted Gorman to display the hat was Ms Prudence Lawrence, who had been known as ‘Spew’ Lawrence on account of her leaving the contents of her stomach displayed over footpaths, fences, car bonnets, or wherever, upon leaving the Working Men’s Clubs where she worked as bouncer.

What was more the pity was that Prudence was in fact misnamed. She didn’t give a damn about anything or anybody; up close she lacked all trace of femininity, form or bearing … yet there was something of the ugly-duckling there. Could a miracle bring about her transformation to a swan? This was after all the lady chosen by Mr Ted Gorman, the artist, to model the hat he’d created.

Surely Ted Gorman’s hat did not win the competition!

It didn’t.

A sorry affair of a hat concocted by Mr Harry Childers, popular bachelor of several parishes he’d fled (and sadly the threat of legal action prevents me saying anything further on that at the time of writing), won the competition, and me thinks his sparkling eyes directed at more than one of the lady judges had something to do with his glorious and unexpected victory.

But surprising us all, shortly after the competition for ‘Best Hat of the Day’ Ms Prudence Lawrence and associates started a dizzy climb up the ladder of rich and famous New Zealanders.

The hat and Ms Prudence Lawrence were seen by a pimply-faced youth at the Country Women’s Institute Best Hat of the Day competition, who had then had the brains to put two and two together. He took his camera, went round to where Prudence lived (not far from the Working Men's Club) and photographed her with the hat in several seductive poses. The Indecent Publications people (who’d kept an eye on said youth) were informed of the photo session; they viewed and confiscated the material and gave it the once-over several times in the privacy of their viewing studio. They liked the proofs and ordered a full set, ostensibly for their files but they did release one shot to the pimply youth. It could be used, they said, on the condition that it was first ‘touched up’.

What started Prudence Lawrence and the youth on their way to becoming rich and famous was the way the youth had taken an air brush borrowed from a car-painter’s shop to do the alterations on Prudence’s proof. Gone were the unsightly lines, frowns and other unsightly bouncer-like blemishes. They were replaced with twinkling eyes and a smile as bewitching as the Mona Lisa. The hat too, with a puff here and a doff there became a delightful adornment for Prudence and the combined effect was simply stunning.

Mr Ted Gorman however, was not amused. Where was his fame, and what had happened to his glorious hat? He threw a country wobbly when he saw what had happened to his Pavlova-gone-wrong hat. He refused all offers of financial compensation and was last seen throwing several shades of acrylic blue paint at a piece of old canvas; something he’d planned to do for our Mrs Jenny Shipley, a former Prime Minister down in Wellington. She didn’t accept; it was the wrong shade of blue, there’s politics for you.

You’ll be interested to know that a local vineyard owner saw potential in the touched-up Prudence proof and paid an enormous sum to use it. Prudence and the youth became business partners and now sell the rights for its use. How’s that for a winning creation?

And it goes to prove the old saying:

‘If you want to get ahead, get a hat!’

The New Zealand Country Women’s Institute badge with its monogram ‘For Home and Country’ emphasises the values of the movement. The theme of home focused on improving the conditions of women and children in rural societies. The theme of country highlighted the place of women as citizens and the role they should play in making their country a better place for families.

Dennis Crompton © 1996

(first published www.denniscrompton.wordpress.com 2013)