A shock

The neatness and precision of the barrack-room was spoilt by one soldier, Private Bert Bradshaw, despite the army’s efforts to knock him into shape and smarten him up. Bert remained an untidy and uncoordinated slob; from the disorderly state of his bed space, to the way his uniform crumpled on his dumpy frame, to the state of his desk in the orderly room; in fact everything said he that wasn’t soldier material.

The profile on the Adjutant’s desk added that Bert lacked aim. In that matter, the Adjutant was wrong; Bert simply disapproved of the army, and from the first aimed to upset the spit and polish from the lowest N.C.O. rank upwards.

Ah, but tomorrow he’d be a civilian once more; the barrack-room minus his input would be a neat, orderly but somewhat sterile place again. Wantonly unleashing his pen, Bert’s indecorous letter to Sergeant Naismith full of his clever suggestions for a better run unit began, mentioning places even a contortionist couldn’t reach, never mind polish:

• voice training was propositioned, in order to control Sergeant Naismith’s oft-screeched top C;
• Sergeant Naismith was dead keen on camouflage so Bert suggested bleached undies and pyjamas as a nice homely touch;
• and the address of a recommended optician for Sergeant Naismith to visit had Bert grinning. The Sergeant’s eyesight wasn’t so good, and he would often scream: ‘Stand closer to the razor next time you shave lad!’ when all Bert’s face sported was nothing but the finest hint of baby fuzz.

Bert finished his letter to Sergeant Naismith with a string of his own colourful epithets. Nicely done, he thought. And lucky I’m leaving barracks tomorrow.

For Bert’s second letter to the Adjutant, a thesaurus ensured an appropriate vocabulary, but the letter was best not seen by anyone with a sensitive nature.

Upon posting the two letters, Bert felt safe since both would be delivered after he’d left camp the next morning.

The phone call that evening from the Adjutant was a shock:

‘It is with some regret that I inform you that Document’s section has made an error; your release date is three months away. Report for duty as usual at 9.00 a.m. tomorrow.’

Later, the Adjutant and Sergeant Naismith were able to show Private Bert Bradshaw, in all sorts of ways, the army’s further disapproval of him.

Dennis Crompton © 1998
(first published www.denniscrompton.wordpress.com 2013)